Many parents can truly work cooperatively to write and revise their plan. Some parents adapt the plan as the children get older and their needs and situations change. Some families prefer a specific plan they can follow exactly. Some parents try working on this plan and find that cooperation is very difficult or impossible. They may decide to ask the court, a child development expert, or other professionals to write a plan for them. In any case, this information will help parents get started. Families impacted by abuse and other dangers are encouraged to put safety first and get professional help before developing a co-parenting plan.
1. Communication
Co-parenting requires communication. Your communication pattern may change from the intimate and spontaneous style in marriage to the child-focused and businesslike communication style of co-parenting. For example, school papers and calendars that were shared on the family refrigerator door may now be filed, copied, or initialed to insure that both parents get to see the child's work and schedule. Ask that schools, doctors, churches, and clubs send their reports and newsletters to both addresses.
Co-parents need to schedule regular times and methods of communication to deal with issues before they become problems. Making the child relay messages is not acceptable. Pledge not to fight in front of the children. During the transfer of children, parents need to focus on the emotional and physical needs of the child. Since the children will need a parent's full attention and help in transferring themselves and their belongings to the other home, this is not a good time for a co-parenting conversation. It is important to refrain from fighting, especially in front of the children, and it is important for children to see parents agreeing on issues.
Consider which of the following methods might work and mark them. Also indicate which methods will not work. Add additional methods, such as voice mail, to plans.
Co-parenting Communication
- Use mailed letters.
- Use email.
- Make telephone calls as needed or by appointment—for example, Tuesdays at 11:00 a.m. In keeping with the businesslike approach, is often best to make these calls during working hours. Calling from home usually means that children will hear the conversation. If parents cannot receive personal phone calls while at work, consider talking when the children are away from home, for example when visiting at a friend's house.
- Have planned meetings such as having lunch together, counseling sessions, parent-teacher conferences, family meetings, or events at your place of worship. Manage these meetings so that they do not become opportunities for fights that the children may see or hear.
2. Children's Ages
It is desirable for children of all ages to have frequent contact with both parents and the security of a dependable routine. Though these are rarely attainable in any family, they are desirable goals to guide parenting plans. As children grow older, their schedules and activities change significantly.
Try to visualize and record a long-term view of how a child's developmental needs and the parenting plan will change over time. Writing this down, in the form of a chart or other visual aid, helps co-parents to see the long-term picture and realize the importance of their cooperation and focus on the children for many years to come.
3. Children's needs and lifestyles at each age level.
While it is difficult to know what activities may be important to your child in the future, it is a good idea to think about what role parents would like to play in a child's life at different stages in their development. Plans made now can set the groundwork for those future roles.
What will happen if parents cannot get along? Will they take turns attending school events and ball games? Could a neutral third party help keep peace? Some children do not like sharing their parents with the parent's new partner and his or her children. Try to include ample time alone with a child. Some co-parents agree not to bring dates to the child's events.
Children ages birth to 3 have short attention spans and limited memory. Parents of infants and toddlers are often overly concerned about overnight visits for infants and toddlers. Actually, more frequent and brief visits are best. Very young children remember and enjoy seeing and interacting with both parents daily and not going more than 2 to 3 days without seeing either parent. Here are some ways to provide this interaction: Visit a baby at child care, take a child for a daily walk, and read or look at a storybook with a child. In some families, parents can visit the baby in the other parent's home. In other families, it is best to select a more comfortable environment such as the child care program or a friend or relative's home.
Children ages 3 - 5 can spend a few days away from either parent, but they need time, friends, space, and materials for play, both outdoors and indoors. Some ways to meet these needs are to have duplicate toys and equipment in both homes, to visit parks, and to attend local events such as "nature days" designed for preschool children. Transitions are especially difficult for most preschoolers and their parents. They need more time and preparation for each parenting shift change. Calm, relaxed, and cooperative parents can make this lifestyle easier for the child.
Children ages 6 - 11 are involved in Little League sports, Scouts, lessons, school, and friends. Parents volunteer as coaches, Scout leaders, and teachers. Parents also help with recitals, camps, fund-raising, and transportation. This is when children value alone time with each parent and can become jealous of stepparents and their children. "School-agers" can manage longer periods of time away from either parent quite well, especially if they have an opportunity to call or email the absent parent.
Adolescents ages 12 - 18 tend to have their own lives, especially in the later years. It is part of their developmental stage to become independent of their parents. Most teenagers do not spend much time with their parents. Actually, parents tend to go where their teenagers are: ball games, band performances, graduation or achievement events, college visits, and work. Parents might hire teenagers to work in the business or home, visit prospective colleges, and attend a child's ball games and performances.
4. Parenting Patterns and Scheduling
There are many ways to schedule parenting time and factors to consider, such as the level of cooperation or conflict between parents and the resources available to the family. Many families start with their school and work schedules. Maximize parent involvement and reduce child care costs by coordinating parenting time share with work schedules.
Develop a co-parenting plan that considers and meets the needs that are important for parents as well as children. For example, some plans allow the parents to be free to work or take a class on the same night of every week. For some families, guaranteeing each parent one dependable night off a week can be very important.
A mediator will help work on this plan, if desired. Present the plan to a judge. Remember that these plans will change depending upon the age of the child. Infants need more frequent contact with each parent. As children get older, parenting involves driving to and attending events in the child's schedule.
5. Living in the Same Town
Living in the same town makes it easier for children to see both parents frequently, for both or at least one parent to attend special events, and for the children to be with their friends and activities. It also helps to avoid expensive, repeated travel and to reduce the burden on the children. Living in the same town makes it much more likely that parents will be available when needed. There are several ways to plan for this:
- Parents may agree to live in the same town until the children reach a certain age such as 12 or 18.
- The parents may agree that the parent who moves away will travel to be with the child in the child's hometown or pay for the child to travel.
- The parent who moves away agrees to pay the cost of the other parent to move to the same town.
- Parents may agree to share the costs of travel.
- Parents may agree to consider the economic, educational, and social advantages and disadvantages of one or both parents moving to another town.
Conclusion
Successful co-parenting is one of the best gifts to give a child. Cooperative, involved parents make a difference in the child's self-esteem and school success. A positive relationship with both parents contributes to a child's future happiness in friendships, marriage, and the parenting of grandchildren.
Your program is here to help you along the journey of life. No situation is too big or too small. When you and your household members need assistance, reach out anytime and we will help get you on the right path to meet your needs.
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